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20 September 2011 @ 08:09 pm
edited poetry #1 -- Veiled Truth  
A picture holds one
Thousand tales,
For how can one
know the circumstances?

His face is buried in the silken shade
Of her dark hair. Her smile a thin charade:
Her eyes closed to savor or lie?
Does her heart sing with mirth?
Perhaps longing for some worth?

It was late spring or maybe fall;
Vanilla hair or requested love drawls;
A sister, friend or lover--
Maybe all and neither.

A picture is worth a
Thousand tales,
Though none as interesting
as the truth.



I'm still not happy with this poem, even though it's been almost two years since I originally wrote it. Something just isn't working with it... I think it's too vague and short. Thoughts?
 
 
 
wsdantewsdante on September 21st, 2011 04:14 am (UTC)
Hard to say. I think I know what you mean but I would be reluctant to change a line.
Maybe the first stanza is made redundant by the last?
Elly: Writing snailyume_mori on September 21st, 2011 04:46 am (UTC)
I know... I've already cut out a stanza from it. But I still can't put my finger on exactly what's wrong.

But I think you're right. Either the first or last stanza needs to go. The middle two seem to work, but either the first or last or both need to go or be changed...
wsdantewsdante on September 22nd, 2011 05:34 am (UTC)
I wouldn't say both those stanzas should go. If you were to drop one, I would suggest the first one. I'm beginning to feel that the first one is like having the punchline at the start. Does that make sense?
I think the last carries the message better, having that 'wry-ness' to it.

Elly: no tea no workyume_mori on September 23rd, 2011 07:31 am (UTC)
I've looked it over (and even rewrote it by hand) and I have to agree! The first one really doesn't belong, and it does take away much of the oomph of the final stanza. So it will be getting cut.

Thank you!